I wonder what they think about us?
The only alien dialogue ever recorded and now available to us:
„They are made of flesh.“
„Flesh?“
„Flesh. They are flesh.“
„Flesh?“
„There’s no doubt about it. We got a few from different areas of the planet on our reconnaissance planes and examined them through and through, they’re all flesh.“
„There’s no such thing. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?“
„They use radio to communicate, but the signals don’t come from themselves, they come from machines.“
„But who built the machines? That’s what we wanted to meet, isn’t it?“
„They made the machines. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along. Meat made the machines.“
„That’s ridiculous. How can flesh make a machine? You want me to believe in intelligent flesh.“
„I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. These creatures are the only intelligent race in this sector – and they are made of flesh.“
„Maybe they’re like the Orfolei, you know – those carbon-based intelligences that go through a flesh period.“
„No. They are born as flesh and they die as flesh. We’ve studied several their whole lives, which, by the way, is not very long. Do you have any idea of a life span of flesh?“
„Give me a break. Okay, maybe they’re only part meat, you know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain in it.“
„Nah. We thought of something like that too, because of the meat heads similar to the Weddilei. But I told you we tested them through, they’re meat through and through.“
„No brain?“
„Oh, yes, there is a brain. It’s just – uh, the brain is made of meat too! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along.“
„But what about thinking and stuff?“
„You still don’t understand, do you? You don’t want to understand me. The brain thinks – the flesh.“
„Thinking flesh! You want me to believe in thinking flesh?“
„Yes! Thinking flesh! Conscious flesh! Loving flesh. Dreaming flesh. The flesh is everything. Do you get it now, or do I have to start all over again?“
„Omigod. So you’re serious, they’re all flesh.“
„Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made of flesh. And they’ve been trying to contact us for centuries of their time.“
„Omigod. What does flesh want from us?“
„First, they just want to talk to us. Then I imagine they want to explore the universe and meet other intelligences, exchange thoughts and information, the usual stuff.“
„They expect us to talk to meat…“
„That’s kind of the idea. That’s what they’re spreading in their messages. ‚Hello, anybody out there? Anybody home?‘-that kind of thing.“
„Then they talk, right?“ „Do you use words, ideas, theories?“
„Oh, yeah. Just that they do it with their flesh.“
„But you said they use radio to do it.“
„Yeah, they do, but what do you think they’re broadcasting with the radio? Meat sounds. You know the sounds when people slap or pat meat? They talk by slapping their meat on each other. They can even sing by blowing air through their meat.“
„Omigod. Singing flesh. This is all getting too much for me now. What do you suggest?“
„Officially or unofficially?“
„Both.“
„Officially, we are urged to contact them, welcome them, and include all and every intelligent race and multi-existence in this quadrant of the universe in the file, without judgment, fear, or reservation.
Unofficially, I propose to destroy all the records and forget the whole shebang.“
„I was hoping you’d say that.“
„It sounds harsh, but there’s a line somewhere. Do we really want to make contact with meat?“
„I agree one hundred percent. What else can you say? ‚Hello, meat. How’s it going?‘ Can that work? How many planets are we talking about?“
„Just one. They can travel to other planets, but they need special meat containers, and they can’t live on other planets. They can only travel at sub-light speeds in three-dimensional space because they’re made of meat, so that makes the chance of them ever making contact infinitesimal.“
„Then we’d better let them think there’s nobody home in the universe.“
„Exactly.“
„It’s brutal, but you said yourself, who wants to talk to flesh? What about those who were on our research ships that you studied? Are you sure they won’t remember?“
„They’ll be thought crazy if they say anything. We’ve softened the flesh a bit in their minds so that we remain just a dream to them.“
„A dream for meat! How disgusting that we should be a dream for meat.“
„And we mark the whole sector as undeveloped.“
„Good. All right. Official and unofficial. Case closed. Any others? Anything else interesting this side of the galaxy?“
„Yes, a rather shy but cute hydrogen core cluster intelligence on a class 9 star in the G445 zone. We had contact with them 2 galaxy rotations ago. Want to be sweet again.“
„They keep coming back for more.“
„And why not? Just imagine how unbearable, how unspeakably cold the universe would be if you were alone….“
after James Morrow, Harcourt & Co., New York, 1991
